Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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