Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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