i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
