my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
