You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
