just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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