every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
