I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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