So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I love you. Go after that dick
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
