Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
