bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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