Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
