I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
