Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
