So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
