Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
