I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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