Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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