yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
