Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
No subtext here. People are naked.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
