Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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