i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
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The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
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Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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