My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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