Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
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He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
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I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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