Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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