u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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