Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
