The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
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