just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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