marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
