Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
