Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
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were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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