Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
