I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
