I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
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Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
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I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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