White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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