Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
