take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
