if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
