In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
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Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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