You don't have asthma, your pregnant
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
