What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You need a sexual gate keeper
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
