i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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