Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
