i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
