his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Randomize
