I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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