I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.