If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
