I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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