I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
