i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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