is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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