while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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