do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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