i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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