i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
