Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Randomize
