I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
