6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
