new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
