How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
