also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I wish drunk me came with subtitles