I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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