We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.